A year ago today...

A year ago today I was sleeping in my bed in an apartment I was sharing with my ex boyfriend, (who was indeed an ex at this point.) a room mate, and a friend who stayed with us three days a week. This boyfriend and I had broken up two, maybe three weeks earlier but he had not found a new place to stay yet and him being there helped with the rent and bills and such.

As what sometimes happens even though we were broken up there was still a certain level of sexual tension. One night we ended up almost having sex but it ended rather badly and premature. I told him that maybe that was a sign we shouldn't be having sex.

That didn't stop him though.

I woke up this time last year with my panties pulled down and my ex hovered over me. I said no in a whisper and he was in me. I tried to push him off but it was hard as I was groggy and he was much heavier. He finally got off me and I ran to the bathroom. Shocked. Trying to process what happened. He came up to the door and I told him to go away. He wouldn't. He asked what was wrong and I asked him why he did that. He said he thought it was ok. I told him I said no what makes it ok? He claims he didn't hear me. He comes up to me, I tell him not to touch me and run downstairs.

Two of my best friends are in my living-room. One of them notices immediately somethings wrong. I try to compose myself but I just sort of blurt it out. My friends go into defense mode. The ex comes down the stairs and tries to explain himself. I cry. But I don't just cry. I bawl my eyes out. I scream and grab at my head. I totally lose my mind. eventually someone tells my ex to leave. He does. I sit almost comatose on the love-seat while my friends take turn comforting me and trying to get the whole story. One of them suggests doing something about the ex. I just sit there.

I am lost inside myself. Piecing things together. secretly wishing I didn't come down, didn't tell my friends Asking myself 'did i really not want it?' the pain in my crotch tells me the answer.

My ex comes back an hour or so later. Its a stand-off. I don't let him in passed the entryway. I quickly grab his keys from his pocket (they were on a lanyard.) and toss them to one of my friends, asking him to remove our apartments key from the keyring. My ex is confused. He asks if I know where he just went. He tells me he went to a church, it was the first time he had gone to one in years. it happened to be a day where people were asking for forgiveness for abortions. (don't know why that detail mattered.) I am enraged.

I give him the rest of his keys and tell him I want him gone. He gathers a backpack of things and leaves to sleep in a friends car or something. I sit on the couch and lose myself again wrapped in a blanket. my room mate comes home. She asks what happened. One of the other friends tells her. Room mate offers to make me tea. She starts to and gets distracted, forgetting about it. I sit some more.

We're supposed to go clubbing that night. The guy friend asks if I still want to go. I say yes. Hours later my current boyfriend shows up, He's clubbing with us. We drive down to Rhode Island to a club that's no longer there. I spend most the time flirting with Him. We make out on a leather couch next to the DJ booth. Yesterday I made out with him on the couch in my living-room.

Today I am happy.