A year ago today...

A year ago today I was sleeping in my bed in an apartment I was sharing with my ex boyfriend, (who was indeed an ex at this point.) a room mate, and a friend who stayed with us three days a week. This boyfriend and I had broken up two, maybe three weeks earlier but he had not found a new place to stay yet and him being there helped with the rent and bills and such.

As what sometimes happens even though we were broken up there was still a certain level of sexual tension. One night we ended up almost having sex but it ended rather badly and premature. I told him that maybe that was a sign we shouldn't be having sex.

That didn't stop him though.

I woke up this time last year with my panties pulled down and my ex hovered over me. I said no in a whisper and he was in me. I tried to push him off but it was hard as I was groggy and he was much heavier. He finally got off me and I ran to the bathroom. Shocked. Trying to process what happened. He came up to the door and I told him to go away. He wouldn't. He asked what was wrong and I asked him why he did that. He said he thought it was ok. I told him I said no what makes it ok? He claims he didn't hear me. He comes up to me, I tell him not to touch me and run downstairs.

Two of my best friends are in my living-room. One of them notices immediately somethings wrong. I try to compose myself but I just sort of blurt it out. My friends go into defense mode. The ex comes down the stairs and tries to explain himself. I cry. But I don't just cry. I bawl my eyes out. I scream and grab at my head. I totally lose my mind. eventually someone tells my ex to leave. He does. I sit almost comatose on the love-seat while my friends take turn comforting me and trying to get the whole story. One of them suggests doing something about the ex. I just sit there.

I am lost inside myself. Piecing things together. secretly wishing I didn't come down, didn't tell my friends Asking myself 'did i really not want it?' the pain in my crotch tells me the answer.

My ex comes back an hour or so later. Its a stand-off. I don't let him in passed the entryway. I quickly grab his keys from his pocket (they were on a lanyard.) and toss them to one of my friends, asking him to remove our apartments key from the keyring. My ex is confused. He asks if I know where he just went. He tells me he went to a church, it was the first time he had gone to one in years. it happened to be a day where people were asking for forgiveness for abortions. (don't know why that detail mattered.) I am enraged.

I give him the rest of his keys and tell him I want him gone. He gathers a backpack of things and leaves to sleep in a friends car or something. I sit on the couch and lose myself again wrapped in a blanket. my room mate comes home. She asks what happened. One of the other friends tells her. Room mate offers to make me tea. She starts to and gets distracted, forgetting about it. I sit some more.

We're supposed to go clubbing that night. The guy friend asks if I still want to go. I say yes. Hours later my current boyfriend shows up, He's clubbing with us. We drive down to Rhode Island to a club that's no longer there. I spend most the time flirting with Him. We make out on a leather couch next to the DJ booth. Yesterday I made out with him on the couch in my living-room.

Today I am happy.

family confusion.

I don't much care for the title but I needed on so meh. There's been some drama going on and I just felt like I needed to air it somewhere. As some of you may know, I have an older sister. (she's 7 years older than me.) She's my half sister from my fathers first marriage. (He's been married almost three times. totally different story.)

Last month, before christmas, I was contacted and friended by my sisters mother on Facebook. Now I don't know her very well personally, though the few times I have ever met her she didn't seem to like me. And from everyone I know who knows her she is passive aggressive and completely insane. (not all from the same source.) I accepted her friend request hesitantly and read the message.

The message was scary. It said that my sister was in trouble and that she needed contact with my dad. I wont get into all the detail of trying to get my dad to call but the end result was this; apparently my sister had been hanging around a not-so-nice dude who had beat her up and broke her phone. He was now in jail and my sister on her way to the hospital.

my dad drove up (she lives in Vermont.) my sister had also been doing drugs from what I hear. My dad told me he screamed at her like he's never screamed at any of us.( my dad doesn't get mad often, but holy fuckin shit you better run when he does!)

Things calmed down. My sister signed up for a drug program from what I heard and I didn't get to see my niece and nephew for xmas (I was very bummed. I should also mention through this whole ordeal I was freaking out, thinking they would end up in foster care. Thinking I might have to adopt them. Which isn't horrible but there's no way I could do that now.)

Here's the latest bit and why I am writing. My sister and her mother are fighting on facebook. Not through messaging each other, but through comments and writing on each others walls. It's sickening. Her mom keeps making this SUPER passive aggressive updates that are obviously about my sister but never mentions my sis' name. To make matters worse her other daughter (my sister has another half sibling from her mother and another man. Confusing I know.) keeps leaving 'I love you' messages to their mom in an obvious suck up move. My sister struck back twice. Once commenting on a status, the second time on her wall. Her mother preceded to tear those posts apart.

I comment on one saying, "you know this is the kind of thing that can be said in a private message, unless you are that desperate for mediation." I then put a status update saying, "I don't like some of the things going on right now." her mother responded to both pretty much agreeing with me and calling her daughter childish and immature. I deleted her from my facebook.

I don't understand why a 30 year old and a 50 something year old cant settle their issues by themselves. Why should I, her 23 year old sister have to be a deciding factor? Even though she's my sister I don't know her very well, and based on what little time I've spent with her mother, I don't much like her. But even if I did, I might automatically be on my sisters side.

Sorry this is so long. Writing out this stuff just helps me figure it all out. Thanks for reading.

Bisexual first.

My first Bisexual experience is no an original one. I have heard many stories along these same lines. I was in first grade. My best friend at the time was sleeping over. We were on the fold out bed from the couch in my living room. We had been watching a movie, she fell asleep first.

I crawled over to her on the bed and stared down at her face. She looked beautiful to me. I moved some of her hair out of her face and had the overwhelming desire to kiss her. I fought it off and finally went to sleep.

It might sound strange to some though, having such urges in first grade. I would argue that we are all sexual beings whether we realize it or not, and we pop out the womb with all the parts to have sex. Its just a matter of time and place as to when we use these parts. I started having sex at 14. My current boyfriend didn't start having sex until 24 (sorry hun!).

Who knows though, maybe I'm just a weirdo...

Thought process: Religion and Abortion.

I've been reading a lot of religious, and Atheist material lately and I wanted to share a thought process I had which is going to take away from the 'Tri-Bi' experience for a bit.

Most antiabortion people are religious. Some of these people who claim it is wrong claim so because your killing an 'innocent child'. Let's put aside the child part and concentrate on 'innocence' shall we? By my observation, there is no such thing as innocence in most christian denominations.

Example one: Sin's of the father.

According to some of the things I read, you carry down the sins of your ancestors down the line. Meaning if your great great grandfather was a murdering psychopath, your eternal souls been marred and you need to constantly pray for forgiveness in the eyes of the lord. Even if you somehow never sin during your own lifetime. Wouldn't this then mean any fetus resulting of this psychopath in any stage of the pregnancy be carrying his sins? There fore, not innocent?

Example two: Rape and Incest.

I also believe I've read somewhere that a child born of rape and/or incest is automatically born into sin. Yet there are people out there who believe aborting even in those instances is wrong. Not to sound repetitious, but if being born of rape/incest= being born of sin, how is the 'baby' still innocent?

And finally, Example three: Original Sin

Do I really need to say more about this one?

This was merely a thought process I had that I felt I should get out there. I'm sure there are plenty of religious people out there who would be able to contest this somehow. I just simply don't see the mere excuse of (once again) it's an 'innocent child', anywhere near an efficient enough argument for me.

*NOTE*

I probably should have cited the articles, books, scriptures, and what have you. My internet is very limited right now and when I saw it was working I jumped at the opportunity to write this. I will try to post my sources at a later date.....

Bi-Racial: Full 'circle'

(I've decided I'm no longer going to number the parts. I don't know how many parts this will take and I'm still figuring out the lay out of things. From now on I'm just going to name the subject and a title.)

*me, my brother, and my sister (I look fat...)*>>

My father has three siblings. Two of his siblings have the same mother and a different father. the third 'sibling' has the same father as the two siblings and a different mother. I have two siblings. My brother and I have the same parents, my sister is from my dad and his first wife. Half siblings run rampant in my family.

This is another thing in my life I never thought much about. But later on when you have conversations about your family at school, or work, or with the family of your significant other, thins can get hairy.

When I tell a story of my sister disobeying my mom and they respond with the line; 'well she brought her into this world, she can take her out right?' having to be like 'well actually....'

Or, starting a story with 'my sisters mother' and getting looks or people demanding an explanation.

Another funny thing about this is if I mention one of my siblings have a different mother and don't say which one, and they see my siblings pictures or see them in real life (not a lot of people have met my sister.) They guess the wrong one.

My sister and I both have thick dark hair, dark narrow eyes. Big smiles that our eyes disappear in. Different from me she has light freckled skin. My brother on the other hand has blonde, curly hair, hazel eyes, and a different skin tone.

It's interesting...

Bi-racial, PT.2

Growing up I was called all kinds of racial slurs. Everything from 'Nigger', to 'Spic'. I was called these insults because people couldn't place me, couldn't tell what I was. My mother telling me I was 'American' was not enough for theses people. 'Come on what are you? Indian, Asian? C'mon you can tell me!' But the thing was I couldn't.

My families past is shrouded in mystery, A mystery I have still not unraveled to this day. Well my father's side anyway. My mother's parents are 100 percent German. More specifically they descend from the Ostrogoths, a Germanic tribe that intermingled with the Huns during the times of the Romans.

On my father's side I can hardly go back to my grandparents without there being instant confusion. I found out later in life that my father was born to his mother when she was only 16. She married a man who was not his biological father in an effort to not be 'cast out' by society seeing as teen pregnancy was looked down even further upon then than it is now.

The confusion goes even farther back. We don't know who my grandmother's mother was. My Great Grandfather was in the navy and from what we knew her mother had died fairly young. All I knew later on is that my grandmother was effectively not white. Not sure what or how.

I gave in after awhile to the questions and the names and simply accepted the title of 'Asian'. Deciding that if I had to pick any race to stick with Korean, since for some reason that's what the first guess normally was. That way I could just answer with, 'Yep your'e right!' and not have to go into further explanations.

Bi-racial, PT.1

I remember when I was a kid when I first got the question. I was in Kindergarten. I was over a friends house from my the class playing with him. We were in the backyard when he suddenly asked, "Are you Chinese?" I remember not knowing how to answer. I don't know what I ended up answering but I remember wondering about it for the rest of the day.

I went for a walk with my Mom the next day to the park. On the way back I asked her, "Mom, am I Chinese?" My mother answered with a shrill shocked, almost offended tone.

"No! Of course not! Why would you think that?" I explained about my friend, pointing out that I liked Chinese food as evidence that he might be right, and she shook her head. "No, your not Chinese, your American."

I tried to accept that answer but I had a strange feeling in the back of my head. Somethings different. The rest of my life, up to and including now; coworkers, classmates, teachers, and even complete strangers on the street, have asked me what I am racially. So it wasn't an easy thing for me to ignore.

Even without those questions, I couldn't help but notice the differences. Hanging out with friends and seeing their white skin, then looking at my tan arms, my narrow eyes, versus the round eyes. And eventually the jokes started. Sooner or later my group of friends started spouting Asian jokes and I started to accept them.

(PT. 2 coming soon.)